So this weekend i had an allergy attack. A big one. On Saturday i wanted to work out in the worst way (despite feeling bad) but hadn’t brought any workout clothes with me to town so i didn’t go to the gym after work.
On Sunday i probably shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed. In the afternoon i sat on the deck and planted seeds, proceeded to get worse and slightly nauseous, and afterward could barely breathe. Like i said, i should have stayed in bed, i’m sure i got worse because i was outside for a couple of hours. But the weather has been alternating between warm (70s one day!) and cold with a chance of snow (but still not the freezing temperatures we had earlier this winter). I long to be exercising in the warmth rather than stuck indoors at work.
I slept in Monday, still feeling too ill to exercise, but hating it at the same time. I love to exercise and it feels weird not to now. My allergies did gradually improve over the course of the day but i was exhausted after work even while afflicted with my usual post-Daylight Savings change insomnia. I was up late last night laying in my hammock watching SG-U and trying to relax. I’m not sure how late it was by the time i drifted off.
Today i feel a bit better and finally bought some actual allergy medicine (rather than generic OTC decongestant that didn’t really work all that well). I wanted to hit the gym late tonight, maybe even do a mini-tri, but realized once i got to the park where my sister’s soccer practice was that i had forgotten my running shoes (i.e. Vibram KMD Sports) and originally not even intended to bring my swimsuit so i didn’t have it, either. At this point i can probably only get about half of a week’s workouts into this week. I was also considering focusing on one workout at a time, maybe making my workouts more difficult than usual this week since there will be less of them. I definitely want to try out this first swim workout for instance.
My day started out okay, and teaching wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it still doesn’t feel right, i don’t enjoy it, i don’t feel like i’m good at it, the students don’t seem to enjoy it when i actually try to teach. After classes my day went downhill. I was going to record a video diary but couldn’t find my video camera and when i tried to use my cellphone…well it worked okay for a while. Halfway through my video the audio got corrupted. I don’t even want to go into the rest of the night.
I feel like everything is stacked up against me right now, like it doesn’t matter if i try or don’t try, Satan’s just going to keep throwing stuff at me. He’ll use anyone and anything against me. And i just don’t know if i can take it anymore. I recently read something about embracing the testing and trials in our lives, but i don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to give up anything else. I have given up on getting married or having kids. I’ve given up on ever being able to support myself. I’ve given up on ever feeling the Holy Spirit or knowing what God’s will is for my life ever again. I have let go of everything, kept swimming, and now i have been lead to believe that my trip has only just begun, that i have to swim farther. Well i don’t know how to do that.