feeling like a failure

IMG_20130331_180241Of course, when do i not?  I know that people say that i’m an inspiration to them, but i have never been good at taking a compliment.  I guess i’m too much of a perfectionist, too hard on myself, because taking my workouts easier for two weeks to let my right calf heal and doing less working out in March than February makes me feel like i am just failing miserably at tri training.  This is partially because my bike rides are not going very well and partially because i don’t have enough money to pay for a tune up for my bike.  But my entire life doesn’t feel very good right now, work has cut my hours even more and none of the jobs i have applied for have called me in for an interview.  Mentally and emotionally i feel like i’m doing as well as i can considering the fact that Satan and the world are trying their hardest to beat me down right now. /sigh  Time for me to pull out the prayer and hope, i guess.

Sunday i was not in the right place mentally during my workout.  I somehow forgot to put my helmet on and had to go back for it (i have no idea how this is even possible).  I rode a good speed going the easy route after that, but i’m not going to lie, my butt was still tender from my previous ride, and by the time i got off i felt wiped out.  Which is actually how i felt after my last swim, too.  I guess that i’m working out at a good level for where i am right now…but i want to be farther on the bike especially.  I rode half as far and long as i wanted to.  I want to be able to ride my bike leg for my next triathlon in an hour or less.  So i need to be averaging 12 mph and or a 5 minute mile and that’s hard for me right now.  I don’t want to be working too hard on the bike or my run will be terrible.

My run today went great.  There wasn’t any pain to speak of until my left arch started freaking out during my last run interval.  That hasn’t happened to me in a long time but is something that happened to me as a kid when i ran barefoot.  I ran farther than ever for this season and feel i’m ready to tackle Week 5 on my next run.  This could have gone a lot worse, so at least i can point to that.

I think that the hardest thing for me right now is that i’m too poor to afford to go the gym.  Something about physically going to the gym helps me mentally as opposed to pounding the pavement near my home.  Plus i’m under the most stress that i’ve had since graduating from college.  Not fun.

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