gauging and containing intensity

I am a pretty intense person.  I’m a geek, a nerd, i tend to be more passionate about stuff than most people are.  This translates to my faith, my studies, my fandom…and my crushes.

I basically fall apart when i have a crush on someone.  I desperately want to keep my cool and not make a complete fool of myself, but i also feel this overwhelming compulsion to do anything and everything to get the person of my desire to notice me.  It is so intense.  I obsess about it for a while, struggling to keep myself in check.  This can be expressed in RL with me trying to be casual with classmates or coworkers, or it can be expressed in celebrity crushes with me trying not to respond to said crush’s every tweet or write a 5 page fan letter if they don’t tweet.  Hey, i can be loquacious.  In fact, the more nervous and shy i am, the more i tend to babble and i always stick my foot in my mouth.  I guess i’m kind of like a female version of Chuck without the intersect, intelligence, and gamer/spy skills.  I’m not quite as awkward because i spend a lot of time battling between this urge to say more (feeling like i need to be heard just as much as i need oxygen) and the urge to just not say anything because i don’t want to make a fool of myself.  I want to be pursued but everything about me is inclined to be the one who is doing the pursuing.  Also:

  1. If a guy is obviously a Christian, obviously filled with the Holy Spirit, obviously passionate about serving God…
  2. If a guy talks or flirts with me even for a short amount of time or in the slightest way…
  3. If a guy is just cute in some way that makes my brain start to misfire…

…i’m pretty much freaking out and trying not to flail and squee.  Nothing is more attractive to me than seeing God pour out of a guy’s words/music/actions.  And since this is about the only way i see God moving/speaking/acting anymore, it is even harder for me to not just latch onto like a leech or something.  Need more Holy Spirit in my life.

Guys rarely talk to me one on one, be nice to me at all, and seem to only flirt with me if they’re trying to sell me something.  I generally am attracted to a man’s personality and beliefs way before they become physically attractive to me, but there are exceptions to this.  Sometimes i see a guy and just can’t stand to be next to be anywhere near him because my body is freaking out (not really in a sexual way so much as a full body awareness).  I guess i would say that there’s a lot about attraction that feels like a magnet to me, that i just ignore appearances for the most part until some part of me starts screaming “get closer”, “must learn more”, and other incoherent babble.

Back in high school there wasn’t much that attracted me in RL.  There was one guy who went to my school that i knew next to nothing about but set off my hottie radar.  Before that in junior high there was a guy who went to my church that was mostly about the hottie factor, and he was a jerk, and then there was another guy at church that was brothers with a friend of my sister and it just hit me one day that he was attractive and i couldn’t function in a rational way while i was near him.  Several of the guys that i went to high school with and was attracted to turned out to be gay.  It has gotten to the point that if i am attracted to a man then i’m pretty certain that he is most likely either gay or already married.

My concern is that i don’t know how to control this, if i am attracted to a guy there’s no way that i’m going to be able to keep my cool and interact with him.  I don’t know how i would be able to survive a date (not that i’ve ever been asked out or been on one, which is also part of the problem) without ruining things and making a complete fool of myself.  I am all for becoming friends first and becoming more later, but i’m probably still going to be freaking out inside the entire time.

So i’ve given up on ever getting married.  Not because i freak out when i’m attracted to someone, but because no one ever seems to be attracted to me.  If i show interest in a guy (even in a way that is controlled and cool), they run the other way and/or start being really mean to me (ugh, that’s one college crush that i regret).  And if i am crushing on a guy, it never goes anywhere.  I have fallen hopelessly in love with men who were practically strangers not once, but twice, and it takes me months if not years to get over it.  Both of these were clearly passionate guys that i irrationally felt connected to on a spiritual or emotional level far more than physical.  I also tend to fall for extroverts but end up feeling awkward because, while i’m not super introverted, i am introverted enough to feel slighted when we are in a group situation and he pays attention to every but me.  I’ve never understood how group dating could work because of this.

I don’t want to deal with dating, lying/putting best foot forward, and all of that nonsense, i want to be best friends with a guy and fall head over heels for him.  Like ten years ago.  I am so sick of being alone, but i have never been anything but alone.

So why do i bring this up?  Right now there are two celebs that i’m feeling very attracted to.  One, i doubt is a Christian, but i just feel pulled towards.  He’s pleasantly less extroverted than my usual poor choices (if choice really has anything to do with it, i don’t think it does).  The other, is definitely a Christian, but in RL is extroverted to the point where i am just a bit turned off by it.  Rationally, there’s no way that either of these relationships could ever go anywhere.  Irrationally, i am overdue for another bout of falling hopelessly in love with someone despite the fact that he basically doesn’t even know i exist.  Oh, and did i mention that i’m a hopeless romantic?

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