Just getting to WordPress’ “Add New Post” page on my Dashboard is a pain in the butt. I tried using the app on my tablet the other day and found it unsatisfying. Compared to the simplicity of posting at Blogger or Tumblr i’m starting to think this is more trouble that it’s worth.
But i digress. I meant to write every day. I did, in fact, think about what i wanted to write on Wednesday, and felt like writing when i got up, but alas i had to go to work, and there is no surer way to drain all the creativity and clarity out of my head then working at a cash register for any portion of a day. Monday was wonderful, Tuesday as well, but Wednesday onward it was back to the grindstone and insomia. Lots of insomnia. Because of my allergies i spend my life in a haze and feel like i’m out of touch with the world. Work was fine, so far as work goes, i just ignored customer rudeness and did my work politely, but wrestling with the computer, talking all day long, wilting under the myriad of fluorescent lights, takes it toll on my brain. It lends this nagging feeling of loneliness coupled with being overwhelmed by being around so many people all the time.
Where you’d like to be in ten years.
Where would i like to be in ten years? Not working in retail. If that is my fate then i might as well just kill myself now, i don’t know how to endure it for the rest of the month, let alone years or a decade. I am not sold on this massive corporate capitalism, i want to make things with my own hands for myself and maybe sell the extras. Maybe that’s a little too old fashioned. But i was not fashioned for business, i don’t know how many times people have asked me why i didn’t major in it, and all i can think is “Why the frak would i want to do that?” I’m not good at selling people things they don’t need. That feels way too much like lying to me.
I wanted to be an actress or writer (to make money at) and a mother. What’s that, “People don’t need books or TV shows or movies!” you say? Well where did you get that idea? I would be dead without books, TV shows, and movies. No, they didn’t feed, clothe, or shelter me, but they feed my soul, God speaks to me through them (well, He did do when He was still talking to me), and without them i would have committed suicide by now. You think i’m joking? Star Trek TNG is the #1 reason i’m still on this planet, and all the wonderful sci fi programs that i followed afterward. Recently watching Chuck and a couple of nice people on Twitter are the only reason i made it through the past couple of weeks. Why? Because throughout my life i have been isolated, kept down, and scorned. Being a nerd and geek is the closest thing i have to home this side of Heaven, to knowing that i’m not alone on this planet. Too many of my brothers and sisters in Christ seem to want little to nothing to do with me, i honestly don’t even know why i go to church anymore.
So, again, where do i want to be in ten years? I want to be married to my best friend and the love of my life. I want to be a mother. I cannot even imagine acting at this point in my life, it would take an act of God to get my brain to even work well enough again, let alone for me to find a way to CA and a way to support myself (i cannot even support myself in CO, there’s little chance of me being able to do it anywhere else, let alone CA), and yet i feel a kinship with celebrities, as if i am already (inexplicably) one of them. I don’t know if my stories will ever find their way into a novel or script or if my brain will ever recover, but i’m working so hard at it. Most of all, i want to feel whole again. All i know is being “depressed”, but most of the time it just feels like normal life to me. I don’t remember any differently. I don’t want to hurt or burden loved ones, i wish i could support myself, but i need to form some healthy relationships or there’s no point on me being here. I believe it can happen, that i can find a balance, but right now all i have is faith and hope.
I cannot even imagine being alive in ten years actually. I’m very afraid that none of my dreams will ever come true, that the End Times are upon us, but there’s nothing i can do about that. All i can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.