I have been avoiding posting this… partially because i’ve already been discussing it so much lately, partially because there are certain things that i don’t feel i’m at liberty to share but hate trying to hide. The subject?
A time you thought about ending your own life.
I think i’ll go back to the first time it really gripped me. I was in junior high, but i have to start a little further back than that. I was homeschooled but had gone to the public school for a music class in second and third grade, and in fifth grade i started playing the clarinet in band through eighth grade or my freshman year of high school, i can’t remember which. That was where most of my social interaction came from outside of church. Some of the homeschoolers in the area would meet a couple of times a month, but i went to music and band more regularly.
Kids started telling me i was fat in second grade as i recall. That hurt, and i already had zero self-confidence really because of those things i don’t want to talk about. And i never really had a close friend. Anytime i had gotten close to someone one or the other of us had moved away. There was one girl who had been homeschooled and i had thought was my best friend, but she had other friends that i knew were more important than me. She would cancel plans that we had made to do things with other friends. I was never invited along, she is a year older than me, so she probably thought i was childish. And one Summer we went to VBS at another church, where one of her other friends was the pastor’s daughter, and she proceeded to ignore me all week long. She spent all her time with the PK and wouldn’t even talk to me. On the last day of the week, during snack time, she took her mostly empty Styrofoam cup and flicked me with the remnants of red Koolaid that remained. So i flicked my Koolaid at her, only…i had just gotten a refill, and she was wearing a brand new white blouse.
She flipped out, of course. I ran away behind the church, and knelt in the hot desert, and wept. I thought things couldn’t get any worse. I think the pastor’s wife came after me and talked to me for a minute, but i don’t know what was said, and still felt utterly alone. I know i said sorry more than once, and even wrote her a letter from my grandparents, because i was visiting them out of town as soon as VBS was over. And she wrote back. She wrote a letter that said i was stupid, and fat, and no one would ever want to be friends with me. And after that, there wasn’t really a day that went by where i didn’t want to kill myself, since no one wanted to be around me, let alone be friends with me. And i kept wanting to commit suicide for years, until the Summer i went to FCA camp. So that was a very long time to a girl, but now seems like a very short time to a young woman who now feels like God doesn’t want to be around me, let alone be my friend.