30 Day Challenge – Day 10

Discuss your first love and first kiss.

Uh…i’m goint to tackle the second part first, because it’s simpler i suppose.  My first kiss was with a boy at the pool.  I know that he was visiting his grandparents, and i think he was from Texas, and i know i made a fool of myself.  I followed him around for a couple of days.  The first day, i know that we got along fine, but the next couple of days i was just weird.  And i finally got him to bargain with me, he’d kiss me if i’d leave him alone the rest of the week, but we didn’t want anyone to see, so we went underwater, and pecked each other on the lips, and it was extremely underwhelming, and that was it.  And we were seen anyway and people made fun of us.

Oh, wait, there’s another first kiss i almost forgot.  My mom and a friend of hers led the local Girl Scouts (first Brownies, later Juniors).  That leader had three kids, a son, and two daughters.  My sister and i used to play with the two girls quite a bit, meet at the park, etc.  There was one time they all came over to our house and i’m not sure why but it was decided that i would show the brother our rabbits.  So we went out in the backyard, and saw the rabbits, and then afterward he kissed me, kind of on the cheek, kind of on the side of the mouth.  And the middle sister saw us and told her mom, who proceeded to flip out about it.  I didn’t get in trouble, but he did apparently.

The first time i was really kissed…my boyfriend was visiting from out of town and my sister decided to go to bed.  We were sitting on the couch in the living room, talking, and i’m not sure why, but we started kissing.  It didn’t feel romantic or arousing.  I had no idea what i was doing and have no idea if he knew what he was doing.  My main recollection is that it was wetter than i expected and that my brain wouldn’t shut down, kind of like when i’m trying to go to sleep and cannot stop thinking.  He was giving me tips, and most of the things i tried to do to improvise he didn’t like.  And i don’t know, maybe some spark was missing, i loved him and wanted to be with him, but at the same time i wasn’t attracted to him physically and it felt forced the entire time we were together in person.  It just wasn’t meant to be.

Was he my first love?  I guess he was.  It’s not what i imagined love to be like, and i don’t know if i actually have an accurate handle on what romantic love is.  Maybe everything i learned in romantic comedies and novels is wrong.  One of the things was that he wasn’t exactly the man of my dreams, but i was willing to make his dreams my dreams.  I wasn’t trying to change him, but i loved the possibility of him rather than who he was at that moment, if that makes any sense at all.  We were both doing poorly in college and looking for an out, he went into the military, i went home and finished my degree.  He was my quarter life crisis, i’ve always preferred older men, and he is five years my junior.  To me, the best part of being with him wasn’t the kissing, or waiting for the future that never came, it was the 3am phone calls and WoW chats, the sensation that someone out there cared about where i was and how i felt.  When we were together in person it didn’t feel the same, and i have no idea why.  I loved hugging him, feeling his weight against me, but he didn’t want to hold my hand or hug me.  He didn’t want to acknowledge me to anyone besides my sister.  And he couldn’t give me what i needed.  I suppose i couldn’t give him what he needed, either.

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