Let me be frank, i do not actually believe that I’m going to ever marry a celebrity. Far from it, i find it even less likely than ever being able to feel the Spirit again, which is somewhere on the scale of : it-would-take-a-miracle-but-isn’t-impossible and I’m-not-holding-my-breath-and-would-be-extremely-surprised-if-it-happened. Basically, i don’t believe that i’m going to marry anyone at this point, and i’m completely devastated about it.
What i was writing about last night is one of my coping mechanisms. Having a crush, being in like/lust with someone, is exciting and scary and pleasurable. Being attracted from afar works extremely well for a geek like me. I mean, I am a bookworm. How many women have been in love with Mr. Darcy? There isn’t much potential to get hurt with a fictional version of someone, and for better or worse the relationship happens entirely on my terms. If it were real, it probably wouldn’t be happening either, because we wouldn’t actually be able to communicate in a meaningful way. I would clam up and say nothing or, even worse, say too much, and he would run in the other direction. Rightfully so, i suppose. I can’t make it real so he can actually tell me what he really thinks, but i do imagine that he’d be repulsed by my fangirling/honesty. So i know that there isn’t a real relationship but it helps me to talk things out in my head. It’s the only practice i get. Sometimes I imagine the person is with me where I am, sometimes we are in my Happy Place, or perhaps I should call it Safe Place since things aren’t always happy.
But, let’s be honest, i’m sure that some of you are thinking this is entirely about sexual fantasies, when that really isn’t what’s going on. My mind puts limits on things. The point actually isn’t to drool or get hot and bothered, it’s to feel loved and accepted and normal. Most of the time all i imagine is just an everyday conversation with half of it being in my imagined version of their voice. If I don’t know the actor/character well enough, they aren’t going to say much. Some of imaginary companions are completely blocked off from any romantic feelings at all. Patrick Stewart and Scott Bakula are actually two very frequent visitors to my Happy Place because I’ve been watching their shows/films for decades and trust their characters’ wisdom. I find them to be entirely off limits romantically, the age difference is just too jarring. They provide comfort verbally and give me confidence in my choices. The younger men in my Happy Place are there to provide either a sense of safety or being desirable while there is no pressure at all to pleasure them. With my ex, this was a problem while we were together, we were trying to interact physically too suddenly and were completely unable to communicate effectively on an emotional level. I want to be desirable, of course, but it’s even more important for anyone i’m with to talk with/listen to my musings, opinions, concerns, and needs, even if it’s just for a little while. Perhaps this is still too far, as it can be unfaithful to share too much with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex) when one should be confiding in their partner/spouse.
As a rule, I do not picture myself in sexual situations with anyone. I will admit that i have slipped up a couple of times, but my fantasy life is too text based and abstract. I can imagine two characters interacting in a sexual way because i’ve read fanfic, seen it in some R-rated films, and read a couple of novels, etc. But i can’t really wrap my mind around me interacting with anyone in a sexual way. I have (next to) no actual experience to draw from. I’ve only kissed a man in a dream once, and it was awkward. His character wasn’t available, so I didn’t want him to be cheating. All i could feel was guilt. So my mind doesn’t even let me go there.
What my Happy Place is most about is escape, refuge, resilience. It’s a place to ignore the pressures of what i’m going through. It’s a place to regroup and feel safe. It isn’t real, it’s entirely imaginary, and it’s not even someplace i’ve consistently visited over the past few years. Different coping mechanisms work better for me at different times. When i was a child i would suck my thumb or bite the back of my hand until my teeth left an imprint. When i was a bit older i would journal (later blog), but these days i can hardly find time to write. I’ve never tried cutting. If i weren’t a Christian, i know i would have been sexually active long ago, but God has protected me from such a possibility.
This is really hard to share, to put out there. I wish i could tell people that i never think about sex, that i’m as virginal in my fantasy life as i am in my physical life. But the truth is that i want to have sex. Not with any one person in particular, or multiple people, i just want to get married to one man and have sex with him for the rest of my life. And i don’t even imagine that if i got married at this point in my life that he would be a virgin because to be perfectly honest i’m shocked that i’m still a virgin. I’ve been curious about this stuff for almost as long as i can remember, since i was very young, and i don’t imagine that i’m going to stop being curious about it anytime soon. I do not have a repressed attitude about sex even if i plan to keep it to a monogamous relationship. So i wish that my thoughts were purer even while being shocked that i am as pure as i am.
It is possible to stay a virgin in the 21st century. I’m living proof. I know i can’t be the only one out there that feels alone, unwanted, and tries to imagine a place where s/he feels the opposite. It’s like Emily Dickinson wrote: “I dwell in possibility.” Even if it’s really an impossibility.