could it be that i’m actually getting used to waiting?

I know, it’s been forever since i posted.  I have explanations and what might sound like excuses, both, so please bear with me for a moment.  My original intention was for this to be a triathlon/food/fat acceptance/weight loss blog, odd as that may sound.  And then my last triathlon went horribly, and i realized that there are several things that i need to have before i can safely train for another triathlon.  The primary things are 1) medical coverage, 2) to be able to afford a gym membership, 3) to be able to afford healthier food.  It all really boils down to #1 really.  I think i have asthma, i may have sleep apnea, i’m sure i’m pre-diabetic and/or hypoglycemic, and my weight was higher than ever before when i started training for my last triathlon.  I applied for Medicaid since i am just above poverty level, read on a government website that i make little enough to qualify, and cannot afford to pay half of my yearly income for medical insurance (which is what was being offered to me at the state website).  After months of them denying me, approving me, losing paperwork, stalling, communicating with my employer about my wages, etc., i was denied coverage.  So while i was walking and hiking a lot this summer i didn’t get to hike the Grand Canyon rim to rim as i had hoped, i didn’t get the new job i interviewed for, and i haven’t tried to run since the one time i went running barefoot with my sister while she was visiting this summer.

Re: the new idea of talking about sci fi and Christianity, i’ve actually been thinking about it a lot, just not getting to the keyboard.  Some of the conversations i’ve had with my sister about Marvel/Agents of Shield, Doctor Who, and Once Upon a Time (just to name a few) should have been recorded so they could have been posted as a podcast.  They were actually that deep and good, but whatever, i guess it was spontaneous and not meant to be.  We’d probably clam up if we were being recorded anyway.

WoW has been going way better lately as i have reconnected with an old friend, made some new ones, server transferred, and joined a new guild.  It’s not perfect, but it is better.  I’m still a bit hesitant about where things are going in WoD but i’ve almost got a new shaman and a monk to 90 in the past few weeks and have been trying to get better gear on my main Luinel.

I’ve finally started a plank challenge that i found on Pinterest at the beginning of the summer (or at least meant to do at the beginning of the summer).  Oh, and i’ve lost weight since i stopped training.  I haven’t given up sodas yet (i’ve kind of been trying) but i’m back to 100 pounds above my weight when i lifeguarded rather than 120 pounds over.  It’s something.  No, really, i have no desire to get any closer to 300 pounds and it is a relief to think that i’m only 100 pounds over my old goal weight and actually going in the right direction for a change.  For the first time in 14 years, actually, despite my best efforts in the past.

One of the things about me not writing is that i’ve been so stressed and i hate writing blog posts if i can’t end on a positive note.  I haven’t had anything to be positive about over the past couple of years, not really.  I’m in so much debt and at times barely keeping up with payments.  (Praise: i have kept up on payments and not gone bankrupt.)  Things were very, very bad at work for a few weeks, but are bearable at the moment.  Only they’ve cut my hours back yet again and i basically have to give up on any pride in myself or expecting to be treated with respect and stop worrying about the illegal things that are going on and beyond my power to change.  I’m through rocking the boat, if they get any worse i’m walking out.  To do what, i have no idea.  I might actually be able to write again, at least non-fiction, but i have no idea.  I edited the program for my sister’s high school graduation (images and bios, etc.), but i have no self-confidence that it could translate to a paying job since it didn’t get the job i finally got an interview for.  This summer i have pretty much just been hanging on for dear life, trying not to think suicidal thoughts, and wondered if i’m even capable of interacting with society on a sane level.

Things have been better lately.  I’ve got music in my heart again, and am trying to hope, and just praying that sixteen years is a long enough Dark Night of the Soul for God.  Doctor Who has kind of been paralleling my life lately.  I’m just standing here, paralyzed, reaching out behind me, hoping that God is there, about to grab my hand.  I’m constantly terrified, surrendered to the plunge into the abyss, and fully aware that if the dark tunnel doesn’t end soon that there’s no point in turning back anyway because i couldn’t even find my way back.  I had a bad cold recently, for a couple of weeks, and it was another case of vivid dreams.  I slept for nearly 36 hours straight (i woke up a couple of times to use the potty and have a bite to eat, then went straight back to bed) followed by being awake for nearly 36 hours straight and sleeping like an hour before working a 7 hour shift and being asked to stay for a 9 hour shift…when i should have not gone into work at all and just called in sick again since i obviously wasn’t over my illness.  Insomnia has been bad all summer, it’s partially the heat, partially the fluorescent lights at work, partially stress, etc.

And i finally get to what i wanted to talk about the most, which is lust.  It’s been a year of lust, starting with Benedict Cumberbatch and seeing every movie he was in, transitioning to Zachary Levi and watching Chuck all the way through.  Then i went through a Tom Hiddleston phase and rewatched Wallender and watched some of his other films for the first time.  And right now i’m addicted to Michael Fassbender, partially because he reminds me of my recently deceased Grandad, partially because i’m trying to learn German so i am loving his accent, and partially because he’s ginger.  There’s more to it than that, he plays really dark roles (even darker than Hiddleston), so he must be tough enough to fight off the monsters in the dark, right?  I’m sure it will fade soon enough, i mean i got over my David Tennant obsession once i found out he had gotten hitched, but for a long time it has been the only hope i had to cling to.  It’s not that i’m giving up on God, it’s just that i don’t exactly see hope for the immediate future.  He has made it clear that He wants me to wait for some undeterminable length of time, perhaps until Jesus comes back or i die, i don’t know.  All i know is that my biological clock has been ticking since preschool (if not earlier), the alarm has been going off since i hit 25ish, and i’m burning.  My body and soul are screaming at me that i need a husband, i need to have at least one baby, and my kid sister that cashiers used to think was my baby now has a better chance of getting married and having kids in the near future than i do.

Being “in like” with a man, even a celebrity, does wonders for making yourself get out of bed every day.  It’s not realistic, i’m not proud of it, but it’s what hope i have.  A celebrity can’t reject me based on my weight, or depression, or sucky job, or debt, etc.  Until i realize that he probably would reject me and think i am a nutter if he met me in real life, or i realize that he’s too flamboyant and reminds me of one of the first crushes i had (who broke my heart), or that he’s probably not a Christian anyway.  And one of the hardest things is that i wanted to get married right out of high school and all these men are so driven and concerned about their careers.  I recently read on a stupid entertainment website that Fassbender said in a 2012 GQ interview that he doesn’t want a girlfriend to have to wait for him while he’s off making films so he’s not interested in a serious relationship basically.

I, of course, find this hugely ironic.  See, i’ve been waiting for my soulmate to turn up for as long as i can remember.  I’m not like my kid sister, who is infinitely appealing to the opposite sex and so driven that she has no interest in getting married until after college.  I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything for as long as i can remember.  In preschool i was looking for a husband.  I had a crush on one boy who went to my church and had promised another boy that i’d marry him when we grew up (alas, i have no idea what his name was, and my mother informs me that he had a growth disorder and wasn’t long for this life, so he’s probably dead).  In junior high i was seriously crushing on another homeschooler, who as it turns out wasn’t very nice.  And i’ve never been asked out on a date, not really.  Not what i consider to be a date, at least.  There was one guy who asked for my number, called me once, we talked, and then he wanted to know if we could be considered to be “going steady.”  He didn’t ask me out and didn’t call again when i pointed out that a couple needs to have had a few dates before such a label could be reasonably applied.  There was the one long-distance relationship, who i was willing to give everything to, met and spent a couple of weeks with, and very nearly did give everything away before he ran away back home and proceeded to break my heart for the next three months.  And there was the one guy a friend of my mom tried to hook me up with while i was still on the rebound.  He turned out to be a follower of a different religion entirely and wanted me to leave the party we were at to go bowling with his friends (who i had never met).  So that was the closest i’ve come to being asked out, if that counts, and i’m not sure it does.

These are the only four examples i have ever had of boys being the slightest bit interested in me.  All other boys and men have run away whether i displayed the slightest bit of interest or not.  That or i am completely blind.  I feel like i have just as valid of a chance with Cumberbatch, Fassbender, or Hiddleston as i do with any of the men i have met in real life.  I don’t even get to be friends with guys anymore, just hang out, or date for fun.  I have zero prospects, always have, and it seems like i always will.

So i just want to say, i know that it makes me undesirable to be needy and waiting, but i am needy and waiting.  God designed women to be submissive to the man in their life, and i don’t feel safe being submissive to my father, and i have always wanted to have a husband who is my best friend to share my life with.  So i’m waiting whether any man ever wants me or not.  See, i can remain in submission to my father to my continued self-detriment, or i can marry a husband and be in submission to him and, God willing, have a better life.  This is why i’m a virgin, why i’ve prayed for my future husband for nearly as long as i can remember, why i’ve spent my life learning how to clean, cook, bake, craft, care for children, etc.  Yes, i wanted to be an actress, or a singer, or a writer, but i wanted to do it while i was waiting for my soulmate to find me so we can build a life together.

And even if i do find that person, that doesn’t mean the waiting is necessarily over.  I can’t fathom waiting ten years to get married like Zachary Levi did with his wife.  I am not that good at patience, the one guy i was kind of with, i wanted to get married right away and start having kids right away.  Now i am of two minds, it would be nice to have my husband to myself for a couple of years, but at the same time i’m not getting any younger.  I used to want to have a huge family, now i’m thinking 1-4 kids is fine, could i handle any more than that?  Is there even time at this point in my life?  But at the very least i want to have one baby, i want it so very badly, i almost feel as if i’ve been pregnant the past sixteen years and am still waiting for baby to arrive.  Being a mother is just what i was made to be, already am even though i’m a virgin.  So i understand that some things have to wait.  Sex has to wait, i’m not going to give it all away at the drop of a hat, i gave away too much to my ex.  And i understand if my husband has to be away for days, weeks, or months at a time, where it to be on an oil field, to a war zone, or a movie set.  I might not like it, but i could survive it, i grew up watching my mother do it.  I’m not helpless alone, i just hate being alone.  And i would rather have some time with someone that no time with no one.  I wouldn’t mind travelling and living out of a suitcase or being separate when need be so long as i still know that there’s someone i belong to.  And i don’t just want a man to give me a baby, i really want to be able to share my life with someone who actually values me and isn’t embarrassed by my failings.

I’d like to think that there is someone i belong to, that i just don’t know who he is yet.  That’s what i thought when i was a kid, i was just eager to meet him, and get to know him.  Now i’m afraid that he doesn’t even exist, that i’m never meant to get married or have kids, and i don’t know how to live with that.  It hurts too much to fathom, for no one to want me, not God, not a soulmate, no RL friends.  All of my friends are online.  All of my coworkers have no room for the real me in their life.  I’m a burden to my family and have no means to rescue myself.  And i still don’t know how to be patient.  I’m a failure at so many things.  Being grateful to God for what He’s given me, waiting for His best will and plans, being yielded and still.  I want to fly, but instead i’m falling kicking and screaming far too much of the time.  I try to surrender to Him, to just reach out with the knowledge that He is here, but instead i am so, so afraid.  I’m afraid to be alone, afraid to be barren, afraid to be fat, afraid to be hurt, afraid to be homeless.  I don’t know how to find a better job, i’m afraid any job i find will only be worse, and what does it matter, no one wants me.

I get one interview every two years on average.  Why waste my life filling out applications for jobs that i won’t get, and if i did i would only be terrible at?  I’ve devoted four years of my life to this job, and been told point blank that i’m not good at my job.  Not that the guy knows a thing about me, but no one in the room contradicted him.  If i pour more than i know how to give into a thing and it’s not enough then it’s not enough.  I can’t give more than i have, if they push me again, i will quit.  No job is worth being treated like this.  But right now i’m just sitting here, waiting, trying to pay off my debt little by little, and barely daring to hope.  Maybe i can pretend that there’s the hope that one man out there would want me if we met.  Maybe i can pretend that God will finally speak to me again in three months.  I can’t pretend that i’m going to get a better job or be able to pay off my debt on my own.  I can’t pretend that God gifted me to be a wonderful cashier, writer, actress, astronaut, whatever, when it’s obvious that he didn’t.  I’m trying to actually be realistic here even while i’m insane.

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3 thoughts on “could it be that i’m actually getting used to waiting?

  1. You are not insane… you are absolutely beautiful. And don’t waste the precious life God has given you by being afraid… this is always a choice. And living by faith is the only way out of the dark night of the soul. Keep your head up, and God bless!

    • I’m not sure that i agree with being afraid is a choice so much as how one chooses to deal with it. I’ve always considered myself to be a Gryffindor because i choose to be brave (or try to). There can be no bravery without fear. And i agree that we definitely need to put our faith into God rather than ourselves.

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