what should i call this?

I changed the title of this blog on a whim and i’m not really feeling it.  I wanted to play off my lisp, geekns username, and the original intended analysis content i meant to write, but i have always hated when people use symbols to represent letters.  For instance, people often use the Lambda symbol for an A, Stargate SG-1 being one example.  A Lambda is an L, not an A.  Similarly, an es-tset looks like a B but sounds nothing like it.  I’m not going to be writing about Lisserty (which appears to be a name, but not mine).  I was always uncomfortable naming this blog after myself even as i wanted to claim the meaning of my name.  I certainly haven’t achieved victory yet, i’m still striving for it.  Maybe i should find a quote about victory and build off of that.

Similarly, i’m over the theme that i originally designed this website with, but am having trouble finding a template that i prefer.  I’ve even considered paying to use one of the nicer templates that WordPress offers and am entirely unimpressed by the available selection.  A couple of weeks ago i wasted hours looking for a better template and never made a final decision.  Which leads me to the admission that i am really good at dreaming up new things, even planning to do them, but have little to no time or impetus to actually execute them.  All of my time is consumed by work and World of Warcraft.  Which makes sense during the holidays (peak time for a retailer) and right after a new expansion, but little sense for me ever launching a career in writing or editing.

I made a new LinkedIn profile last month (i had deleted the old one ages ago, thought it was completely pointless to my career aspirations until i read that it’s a good way for freelance writers to connect) but have yet to apply for any freelance writing jobs.  I have been hovering on the edge:  my job has lost the drama it held in the summer and early fall and quitting before i’ve established myself as a freelance writer seems impossible.  But i know i’m never going to make the time to write while i’m still working there, in fact i doubt that it is really feasible because it exhausts me mentally and one of the other will always suffer.  Every day i want to quit because i know that this job is never going anywhere.  I’ve been past by for promotion repeatedly, they claim to value the work i do, but they don’t treat me as if i’m valued.  They like me to be silent and work hard so they don’t have to think about me, not have to pay me what i’m actually worth.  Yes, i am fully capable of doing this job for years to come (assuming my body cooperates), but do i want to spend my entire life working here?  I can’t pay off my debt, i can’t support myself, and they are paying me less and less.  Oh, they gave me a raise of $.50 an hour, but they also cut my hours by 1/3.  They were paying me $342 a week and are now paying me $240 a week.  This is similar to what they did to me at KJCT when i was promoted to full time:  they had been paying me $.10 over minimum, and raised my pay to minimum wage (which had just been increased to $6.85 as i recall).  They could have at least kept me at $.10 over minimum instead of lying to me.  I dropped out of school working my butt off at that job (i worked more overtime there than anyone else had in the history of the company) and then had to try to recover my GPA when i went back to school.  I loved that job, but it wasn’t good for me to do the work of 1.5 people.  And i believed that i should finish what i had started (i.e. finish college); that is what my parents raised me to do.

So i apparently have to work overtime to have enough money to really support myself, but that’s not the life i want to live.  I’ve considered doing it again, working an insane job like that just to pay off my debt, but i don’t think my body can take it.  I’m starting to get really worried about my health.  I should have used my healthcare when i had it at KJCT but felt too busy and wasn’t worried about it then.  All i did was get my wisdom teeth taken out.  Being able to sit almost entirely at that job, even opting to stand up at times for the extra exercise, is so different than the extreme exhaustion i experience now, standing on my feet for 4-10 hours a day.  My body never has a chance to really recover.  I don’t think my body will let me do this for much longer.  I need to find a better way.  I want to be able to lose weight and take up triathlon training again, not become so unhealthy and run down that i become disabled.

I’m sorry, i’m not wanting this to be a long list of complaints, and i know that you’re not supposed to speak badly of your current employer.  I could probably fill an entire book with the stuff they are doing that…i don’t want to be part of.  But what it really comes down to is that i want to pay off my debts.  I want to be able to support myself.  I want to build a better future.  I want to be able to travel, and have children, and be a better person.  And Hobby Lobby does not support me in that, it supports the system of “keep them wanting, but don’t ever actually provide.”  I don’t want to be the idiot who puts up with that for another four years, let alone forty.  I have a college education, i have mostly recovered from a traumatic brain injury, and i’m tired of being chained down.  My wanderlust has been screaming at me for so long that it barely has any voice anymore, and that scares me.  I feel like i’ve given too much of myself away, sold myself to the Devil.  I don’t like that feeling at all.

I can’t stay at Hobby Lobby, but i don’t know when i’m going to give notice.  I am still surprised that i’ve never just quit on the spot, some of the stuff they’ve put me through, a part of me wishes they’d do it again so i have a reason to say “I quit” or “F U” in a huff, but my goal was to stay here with a clean record long enough to make the write ups a thing of the past.  I still can’t believe that they have had the audacity to lie to my face time and again, to be abusive, to claim that their illegal actions are good and normal, but i said i wasn’t going to go into that.  I’m weak, i don’t know how to be constantly positive and not dragged back down into these feelings of indignation and the urge to fight back.  I don’t know which is the right response, actually, to continue working hard and taking it as i have always done, or to rock the boat and take them to court, or at least smear them to the public.  I don’t want a war, but what they do is inexcusable, and i don’t think i can sit idly by any longer.  Rain or shine i’m quitting soon, before inventory, probably before the end of the year.  I don’t want to leave them in the lurch, partially because i know what it feels like to have that done to me.  I don’t know if this is God’s will for my life, and that’s what troubles me the most, but i know that i cannot abide this any longer, i cannot keep denying myself like this, and i’m sorry if that makes me weak, but i hate being ugly.  This job makes me so ugly.  I hate going to work because people are so rude and cruel and it makes me want to be rude and cruel back.  I hate feeling this way.  I have to fight off tears every day, it’s like being in Volleyball again, daily abused and helpless to do anything about it, everything i do is wrong.  I refuse to live like this anymore.  Why have i put up with it for so long, why did i put myself through it in high school?  Will i ever be free of this?

i love feedback

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s