absence rundown

You’ve probably guessed by now that i’m not training for a triathlon after all.  I mean, when i’m in training i blog ad nauseam about it.  Since i haven’t been doing that i must be slacking.  And you’re right, i have been feeling like complete crap since week 2 of my intended training program.  I originally figured this is okay, i’ll just train for the cheaper Highline Hustle instead, but that ship has sailed as well.  I should be in week 4 of training if i was going to do that, and i’m not.  Money has been tight, i have been spending too much (and yet using every discount available) on work and Easter clothing and some other splurges, and i am once again at the point where i don’t know how to feed myself on my salary, let alone pay for training.  And i’m more than a little worried about my health, i have no explanation for my recent weight loss and no medical insurance so i’m left wondering if this is good or bad and why am i so rundown all the time?  Why can’t i fall asleep before 3-6am?  What is wrong with me?  So triathlon training is out.  I know that i should at least be running but have yet to find the motivation.  I feel like i wasted my one gym membership but am relieved that no contracts were involved.  I desperately want a gym membership but truly cannot afford it.  I need to be able to drive to work for one thing.

About a week ago i had a brilliant idea for a blog post but didn’t get out of bed (hammock) to write any of it down and of course had to go to work.  I’ve hardly been playing WoW, only getting on to do my mount farming on my three 90+ characters.  Last night i attended a guild raid on a raid night for the first time in weeks, probably over a month.  I miss it so much, it was nice to have the voice chat banter and to be pushing the envelope trying to learn new fights (though i would have enjoyed doing the older BRF fights as well, it would have been less pressure to perform in my newly relearned BM spec).  I’m starting to get the hang of Operator but must confess that the Maidens are unforgiving.

My third job is starting back up again next week and my first job has two more weeks left in the semester.  Yes, i have three part time jobs.  Every time i have mentioned that lately people have been flabbergasted.  “Three?!?”  Yes, three, and i am still in poverty.  Towards the end of the last earnings period i was exhausted.  I’m not a morning person, getting up at 6am several times a week is less than ideal.  I wouldn’t put in for that early if it weren’t for the fact that i have to make sure to be done with my call before my second job is scheduled to start.  I would love to stop working retail and just focus on my writing and editing but i’m not sure that i’m quite there yet.  My second job is what pays the bills.

Over the past couple of days i have been reading some e-books that were self published.  Grammar nerd that i am, a couple of typos were noticed and cringed at.  There is a shift in tense between two books in the series (present tense was used throughout the first until the very ending, past tense was used throughout the second).  I lay in my hammock thinking i can write better than that.  I won’t say that the books were bad, but they left me longing for something more, that they would have gone in other directions.  The first one described the technology and architecture of the future in brief but fascinating ways, the second had no time for that whatsoever.  I like when authors take the time to describe the environment, hence the reason i am a Tolkien fan.  A part of me is terrified that i will never be able to write again, another part of me is pissed off that i am even messing around with conventional jobs.  I don’t know if i’ve done enough research yet, that was always the clincher for me in college, i wouldn’t be able to write a word unless my research had reached the point where everything clicked.

I was trying to do a minimalism challenge for a while.  I found most of the tasks to be pretty wishy washy and it just fell to the wayside.  I don’t know, i think my main problem is that i have no goals anymore.  I used to set goals on 43 things, both achievable and more long term bucket list things.  I don’t do that anymore.  I mean, i set the goal to be in another triathlon, but then when i got ill i just shut down.  I go through these phases where i start trying harder only for things to immediately become impossible and i shut down again.  Overall i have reached a point where i am not really depressed about things, i’ve just accepted that things will probably never get better, and i’m okay with it.  I’m not sad, i have joy that things aren’t even worse, and the only thing that really seems pressing is to move out of my parents’ place, a goal that i have had for years and gotten no closer to achieving.  I’m not making enough to save, any money i put aside is always eaten up by some unexpected expense, which is why for years i have given up trying to put anything in savings (it’s only asking for bad things to happen).

People assume that i’m complaining when i inform about the bad things in my life.  I’m not, i’m just being honest.  I see no point in lying.  I think it’s hypocritical to hide the hard things God puts in our lives.  “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28 NASB).  I’m not upset about that anymore.  Maybe i have finally developed patience (maybe?).  I have had the opportunity to love some amazing people even if they will never know me or love me back, and that brought me great joy.  What i am finally starting to understand i think is that i don’t really struggle with depression, i struggle with anxiety.  If i struggled with depression i would have killed myself already, but i was always able to control those urges, largely because i was too scared to kill myself.  I am afraid all the time,  i just happen to be the sort of person who chooses to face her fears and ignore them.  For a long time i wasn’t even aware of my fear for the most part because i felt secure with the Holy Spirit’s comfort, guidance, and presence.  Now fear is more real than ever and i’m still figuring out how to cope, let alone fight back.  Maybe someday.

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