30 day challenge – Day 22

How have you changed in the past two years?

Finally, a complete sentence!  The way the author phrased these questions annoys the English major in me.  I’ve been trying to bite my tongue about it.  I really need to stop writing initial off-topic paragraphs.  Maybe next time?

It’s been almost two years since my last triathlon.  I didn’t really lose weight when training for it (unlike the first time around), and afterward my weight increased to my highest level ever.  Last November i mysteriously lost twenty pounds and since then have lost another ten.  I have no idea why but i am ecstatic.  Physically, i am still in constant pain.  My joints ache, my muscles cramp and twitch, my head throbs or aches, and taking Advil seems to be mostly useless.  I would say my pain has improved such the weightloss and my headaches are better than last allergy session but i am still in considerable pain at all times.

Emotionally, i am so much better than a year ago.  Having another job opportunity, even one that didn’t fully pan out, has been amazing for my level of hope.  I mean, i’m still working, i’m still making money, but it’s nearly impossible to edit an hour of audio in less than four hours because the software freezes up constantly and i have to wait for it and the captioners are mostly useless and i have to clean up after them.  But i am much less stressed about my cashier job, and that is very good.  I was so invested in it and struggling with wanting to make things better or quit and feeling helpless to do either.  So now i just expect things to be bad, accept that there’s nothing to do to change it, accept that people are going to always treat me like i’m something dirty on the bottom of their shoe, and trudge into work for a couple/few hours four times a week.  Simply standing upright for those few hours is a matter of sheer willpower many times.  Being polite in the face of inexcusable rudeness barely phases me anymore and has actually gotten to be less common now that i’ve made peace with it.  I really think that all of this is Satan or one of his minions working on me.  There are days where everyone is rude, it almost makes me believe conspiracies about mind/mood control, or at the very least synchronized spiritual warfare.

Mentally, my brain has slowly recovered more, but i still fear that i will never be able to write the same again, or learn as quickly.  It’s a fear i really struggle with.  My family is convinced that we’re all geniuses and we are, but that doesn’t mean we know everything.  I just feel so handicapped even still.  I want to learn more languages, and it’s amazing how much German i’ve learned in the past year to year and a half, but i’m still not fluent.  I think i need to put some TED talks to work and “hack” German before i get really good at it, but it feels like something that is easier than any other language i’ve ever looked at, like my brain is wired to German already more than Spanish, which i had worked on for twice as long and feel equal or less competency at.  Probably less.

So language acquisition and brain restoration has been a major goal of mine and i think that i might actually be getting to a place where i could write again on a regular basis.  I’m starting to get ideas while i’m trying to fall asleep again.  So far it has mostly been fanfiction ideas, and i do want to get a few of those out, but i want to actually start to write something publishable.  Teen and young adult science fiction or fantasy preferably.  Hopefully i will be there before the end of the year because i am beyond ready to quit my cashier job for something that is more soothing to my soul and mind.

Lastly, i have still been struggling with being single and barren (for lack of a better word to describe my inability to become a mother without partner or funds).  I do not feel overwhelming loneliness as i once did, my online life on WoW has been very kind to me (i wish i had more time for it because i am way too busy right now and miss my guildees).  But i still feel like a part of myself is missing, not that i need it to survive, but i do need it to thrive.  I can’t imagine having a lot of kids at this point, but even more i cannot imagine never having one at all.  It is just so beyond comprehension.  Becoming a mother is the deepest part of me that i know, the desire formed before i really have memories.  When i was about two and my mother was pregnant with my first sister i was just so excited that i apparently carried around a picture book about pregnancy at all times.  The shipper and woman in me still carries that around way more than you might expect, though i have tamed it to a ASMR level voice finally.  But the thought of never having a child just brings me to my knees and knocks the wind out of me.  I’m trying to have peace about God’s plan for my life but this still seems incomprehensible.  I have built my entire life about remaining pure for the other half of me, if i’m never to get married then who am i?  I am not gifted with singleness, it is a daily struggle.

So, trying to develop patience but overall my goals have changed little.  I want to be a wife, mother, homemaker author, editor, geek.


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