30 day challenge – Day 27

A problem that you have had.

Uh…

  • i can’t feel the Holy Spirit, haven’t been able to in over fifteen years.
  • i can’t seem to lose weight, if i try to live in a deficit i either gain weight or my body freaks out and screams at me until i eat.
  • After a long/intense workout i get wheezy for hours.
  • i have no depth perception so i’m a klutz.
  • Glasses are expensive but i can’t see without them.
  • My netbook won’t really run anymore and my PC is getting glitchier and glitchier.
  • i work three part time jobs and still can’t pay back my student loans (and i want to be able to!).

I have gotten to the point where i don’t even know what it would be like to feel the Spirit again, it kind of freaks me out.  I remember what worship felt like.  I remember not feeling so alone.  I felt a lot more peace in the face of my fears.  And i do want to feel Him again, i just don’t know if it will ever happen.  I don’t know what, if anything, i did to stop feeling Him.  I stopped seeking Him as desperately perhaps, but there’s not huge unconfessed sin there.  I have forgiven my father and i think that i am finally healing.  People point to the choices we make as being only our fault, i hate that.

  • psalmi didn’t choose to be born in the US
  • i didn’t choose to be born into a Christian family
  • i didn’t choose to be firstborn
  • i chose to submit to God
  • i chose to submit to my parents

This was how i was raised, and i chose to be obedient, i chose not to make my own path.  I can’t say that my path would have been better but it was mighty tempting.  My choice is to continue to submit to God even though He broke my heart.  I want Him to remake me into His vision for me, i always have.  That’s really hard to say when i have already been broken and reformed repeatedly, always seeking His will.  I could no more deny God than give up breathing.

tanMy entire body longs for Him, in fact, all of my initial weight gain happened after i stopped feeling Him.  People had told me that i was fat for years, and i believed them.  I was praying and trying to lose weight, i weighed so much that no branch of the military would take me (i’m the “huge” one in red there).  And then i found out what it really was to gain too much weight. And i kept gaining on and off for years despite trying even more desperately to lose.  I almost got to 300 pounds, all the while thinking, there but for the grace of God go i.  I cannot imagine being as big as some of the people i see who are in wheelchairs and bra-less and waddle past me.  I am an athlete, i swim, i run, i throw, i lift, i hit, i cycle, i kick and punch, i long for more adventure.  Why is my body betraying me?  I am looking to Him as the solution to my weight, in all things i seek Him.  The only change between me being a size 12/14 and being over 200 is that i stopped feeling Him.  I need Him to move inside of me again, for my health, for my hope, for me to know how to serve Him.

My choice will always be God.

1 “Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces;
now he will heal us.
He has injured us;
now he will bandage our wounds.
2 In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in his presence.
3 Oh, that we might know the LORD!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.” Hosea 6:1-3

Advertisements

i love feedback

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s