Something that you miss.
I miss the Holy Spirit, which i wrote about earlier today (well it turned towards my weight mostly). I want to explore that more in this post.
When i was very young, i think two, i knew that i would live my entire life for God. I just knew it. I felt as if i had been chosen or appointed. I didn’t know what to, and i really wanted to know.
When my mother became pregnant with my first sister i started wanting to become a mother. I grew up with this desire to protect and encourage and guide. But i also longed to create, with my hands as well as my body.
When i was three or four i was woken by lightning. It felt like it was right outside my window. I was so scared, and i decided to pray about it. All of my fear vanished, and i knew God would protect me, and i realized that the lightning was beautiful.
When i was five i was playing in my room and it suddenly hit me…Jesus had died. Why did that have to happen? I had been taught that He was sinless and kind and wise. Who would kill Him? So i went to ask my mother and she explained that Jesus chose to die to take the punishment for my sins and that He rose again three days later. So i asked Jesus into my heart. I believe that the hour i reached the age of accountability and could understand Christ’s sacrifice that i became saved.
Growing up, the Holy Spirit was my imaginary friend. I couldn’t see Him, but i felt Him. I felt His guidance and protection. I felt immediate guilt if i sinned. I knew that God was aware of every aspect of my life and i chose to be as Christ-like as i could be. I know this is unusual, and i was set apart. I always have been and probably always will be. I do not fit in, i never have close friends for long, and even when i do i am not their most important friend to them. There was a girl that i once snubbed in favor of her sister, and i will always regret doing that. I try to be kind to everyone. For a long time i would seek out the lonely to comfort but my only comfort was the Spirit.
In junior high i began praying in earnest about what my career or ministry would be. I had wanted to be an astronaut but discovered that my eyesight is not good enough. My thoughts turned to acting on one family of shows in particular, and i continued praying about this throughout high school, not just for my beginning or succeeding at this job, but for Him to send someone to witness to the people already working on these shows. There was one night i could feel the Spirit so strongly, it was amazing, like nothing else i had ever experienced. I felt for sure that He was assuring me that my prayers were being answered. That night was the last time i remember feeling Him.
Two weeks later i was at a lock in for New Year’s Eve and we were singing and i realized that the Spirit wasn’t moving as He usually did while i worshiped. I withdrew to the sanctuary of the church i was in and fell on my knees before the altar, praying, crying out, to God. And there was no response. I believe that God is still with me but it is as if i have gone deaf, which isn’t quite an accurate comparison. I cannot feel Him anymore, i don’t really hear Him. It is as if i have been put in a cage or a locked room and am no longer allowed to be with Him or serve Him. Other things that it has felt like is falling through a bottomless abyss or becoming lost climbing out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. For a long time now it has felt like i am face down in the dirt under a dark sky without stars. Perhaps i am blind more than anything else, which is fitting for a girl that should have gone blind.
People are always going on about following Jesus, taking His hand and walking, et cetera, ad nauseam. I never let go of Jesus’ hand, but i still can’t feel it. I don’t know which direction to walk in, where has He gone so that i may follow? The most accurate metaphor that i have found for how the Spirit’s absence feels is when Clara is bargaining with the Half-Face Man in Deep Breath. The Doctor has just ditched her because there wasn’t enough time to save her. She couldn’t hold her breath long enough to escape on her own, and she wakes up face to face with her fears. And she outsmarts her fears and realizes that the Doctor is with her. She reaches her hand out behind her…
The Doctor takes her hand, but Jesus hasn’t taken mine yet. I am still standing where he left me, face to face with my fears, and there is no escape. The enemy presses in, or stops when i hold my breath, but i am still trapped here, and i miss Him like the oxygen in my lungs that has run out because i’ve held my breath for too long. I cannot save myself, i must be carried out. Jesus must kill the Half-Face Man or i will perish. The Doctor trusted Clara to get the answers he needed, and i suppose that God trusts me. I’m not angry at him anymore. I was from about year twelve through year fourteen, but i have since started to heal and gradually started trusting Him again. I am waiting here, reaching out to Him again, rather than lying with my face in the dirt. The darkness still presses in.
I have been watching YouTube videos recently containing prophecies and reports of visions about the End Times fast approaching. I’ve been trying to come to terms with never having any children for years, and whenever i am open about that people assure me that i will get married and have children one day. I am not so sure that there is time left. I used to have dreams when i was younger that i couldn’t always remember but would come true before my eyes and i would remember that i had dreamt it. Whenever i have been in a car accident time has slowed down and i once had a vision of the car hitting my bumper as it was happening. I often know things and predict things will happen without there being any rational way for me to know. As a child i longed to be a prophetess, but the only thing i prophesied never came true (at least not yet). By rights i should be stoned to death. I long ago came to hope that my prophecy would come true someday, just not in the way that i had originally imagined, but if these other visions and prophecies are true then there is little chance of that. Even more pressing is my wondering if i am one of the Two Witnesses.
The Two Witnesses are traditionally thought of as Elijah and Moses, but the Bible doesn’t actually state who they are. As a child i wondered if they would be Enoch and Elijah since neither man died. Both were caught up to be with the Lord while still living. But if the Witnesses are meant to symbolically represent Elijah and Moses then i could stand in for either. I have a lisp and struggle with depression. I crouch here in a spiritual wilderness, clinging to the mountain, longing just to hear a whisper of God’s voice. I miss His whispers. I long to serve Him, even to death. But i don’t know if that’s His will. I don’t know if He will ever use me, let alone speak to me again this side of death. And most of all i want to do His will. So i am still paralyzed.
ETA: I am not saying that i am one of the Two Witnesses, merely that i identify with both of these characters from the Bible. I am in no way seeking to elevate myself to a position of authority or claim that i can perform miracles or affect the weather. It would make far more sense for the Two Witnesses to be people of Jewish descent. I do believe that the End Times will occur within my lifetime but do not even presume to think that God has purposed for me to serve in any capacity since He is not even answering me in any way that i can detect.